The biggest complaint I have in my relationship with my husband or anyone really, is choosing sides. Loyalty. Standing by someone's side no matter what. Even if you think they are wrong you back them up because you love them and want them to know you support them.
Currently, our new neighbor points out to me for the millionth time that everyone else's feelings and personal space are important but mine. Why? Who the hell knows. Dont rock the boat? Stoicism? Or serious lack of concern for my own feelings? The point is that when our neighbor beats on teh wall for whatever reason, he thinks I am over reacting. I mean sure, some noise on the wall is one thing, slamming into the wall so hard it wakes me from a sound sleep 5 out of 7 nights or so hard is shakes the pictures hanging over my the head of my bed? I think its ok to get pissed. So tonight when the banging started in ernest and on purpose this time because our dryer is a piece of shit and sounds like two construction boots banging around I got mad. Its not even 10 pm (all HIS banging was after midnight) and I have my kids coming into town tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning. DH thought it was the dryer itself. I explained that it was our neighbor but he had to inspect himself. So I finally had it after the third round and decided to chat with our neighbor. Did DH stop me and say he would go? NO. Did he tell me I was right to be pissed but that my safety was more important? NO. He asked me how long the dryer had left.
I did talk to the neighbor and explained that I had company coming and that I wouldnt use the dryer that late if he made sure not to disturb my sleep. We parted on calm, friendly terms. The husband and I have not.
So it all goes back to me being a bitch for demanding people treat me like a human and He agreeing with the wrong party. I AM NOT IMPORTANT! Do I really need ONE more person, a person who is supposed to protect me, love me and respect me tell me this "YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT"?????!!!!!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wait...there's more!
Today's second blog will feature PMS rage, RNS and well my other bitching...
So if you read my blog from a few days ago, you know I was close to a very irrational but very realistic psychotic break. But huzzah! I am cured. After a few days of icky female ickiness I was back to my normal psychotic self, fully intact. It seems I suffer from PMS RAGE. Which is my definition the"once or twice monthly overwhelming urge to kill people." So I decided to get the prescription my gyno gave me for Yaz filled. Novel idea.
I have no clue if it will work but in the meantime, I can wash dishes without fantasizing about my husbands various orifices I could store my kitchen implements. And I can drop off my kid at school without the need to get out of my car, drag the idiot in front of me out of HIS car and back over him repeatedly. Now I just THINK about it.
Oh and my latest syndrome is RNS: Refilled Nest Syndrome. I figured out why birds toss the babies out of the nest before they can fly and then take off for another place to build the nest. So the damn kids cant find them. Now I love my kids, why else would I have thrown myself of my martyrdom sword and given up my 20's to parent them. For better or worse, only time will tell. But my GOD, at some point they ARE going to move out right? I mean for good? Its like when people tell you its okay that your four year old isnt potty trained because no one goes to Kindergarten in pull-ups, right? Or are those kids just HOME SCHOOLED!!! ACK!!!
Sydni comes home to roost this Thursday (which is going to be news to her since her father never called her) but she is only here until March when she ships off to basic training for the Navy! Gotta love the military. Where else can you send your still runny egg off for four more years of parenting where they will actually transform them into people??? For free! Excellent.
But my oldest, I think I have a new grey hair, just cant seem to grasp the idea that when you move OUT you stay OUT and not move back IN. Granted this is the first time she has moved back IN with us but she doesnt seem to get the whole support-yourself-and-be-a-productive-member-of-society thing. She has a new girlfriend and is working two jobs but she still cant seem to understand that she is living here on our generosity and should, I dont know, stop TAKING MY SHIT!!! Grrr...I need to talk to her but I was waiting for my horns to recede.
So other than my anger management issues and my new syndrome, I am just peachy keen...la la la la fucking la.
So if you read my blog from a few days ago, you know I was close to a very irrational but very realistic psychotic break. But huzzah! I am cured. After a few days of icky female ickiness I was back to my normal psychotic self, fully intact. It seems I suffer from PMS RAGE. Which is my definition the"once or twice monthly overwhelming urge to kill people." So I decided to get the prescription my gyno gave me for Yaz filled. Novel idea.
I have no clue if it will work but in the meantime, I can wash dishes without fantasizing about my husbands various orifices I could store my kitchen implements. And I can drop off my kid at school without the need to get out of my car, drag the idiot in front of me out of HIS car and back over him repeatedly. Now I just THINK about it.
Oh and my latest syndrome is RNS: Refilled Nest Syndrome. I figured out why birds toss the babies out of the nest before they can fly and then take off for another place to build the nest. So the damn kids cant find them. Now I love my kids, why else would I have thrown myself of my martyrdom sword and given up my 20's to parent them. For better or worse, only time will tell. But my GOD, at some point they ARE going to move out right? I mean for good? Its like when people tell you its okay that your four year old isnt potty trained because no one goes to Kindergarten in pull-ups, right? Or are those kids just HOME SCHOOLED!!! ACK!!!
Sydni comes home to roost this Thursday (which is going to be news to her since her father never called her) but she is only here until March when she ships off to basic training for the Navy! Gotta love the military. Where else can you send your still runny egg off for four more years of parenting where they will actually transform them into people??? For free! Excellent.
But my oldest, I think I have a new grey hair, just cant seem to grasp the idea that when you move OUT you stay OUT and not move back IN. Granted this is the first time she has moved back IN with us but she doesnt seem to get the whole support-yourself-and-be-a-productive-member-of-society thing. She has a new girlfriend and is working two jobs but she still cant seem to understand that she is living here on our generosity and should, I dont know, stop TAKING MY SHIT!!! Grrr...I need to talk to her but I was waiting for my horns to recede.
So other than my anger management issues and my new syndrome, I am just peachy keen...la la la la fucking la.
Back in the Saddle...for the first time really
I finally figured out where I have been going wrong in my life... I know and it only took me 30 years. I have been in the wagon caring for little Constance who has diptheria. No wonder I worship horses. Admire their ability actually MOVE the wagon, to look you dead in the eye and try to eat your hair or just dare you to make a comment about their ass...if you can see it... well you shouldnt be standing where you are. But to be in the saddle. Now thats a novel concept.
So instead of being on the wagon allowing others to steer, I am jumping off (well I rolled off a few months ago when I moved) and hopping in the saddle. I am going to drive my family where I want to go and they can either come along for the ride or take their chances with the rattlers. I would say the savage injuns but they ARE the savage injuns which begs the question: Why are they on the wagon to begin with??? Hmmmm....
Anyway, I did talk to the Chief and got him on board, took some negotiations and some honest truths, but hey, its character building. Besides, "Married people make each other feel like shit sometimes. It just feels good." to quote a favorite movie of mine (if you can guess which movie and which character, I'll give you the rest of my junk food in the pantry).
So I am off to the gym this morning and on the way I am going to dispose of the rest of the CRAP in my house. By crap I mean junk food. The debris that scattered like cockroaches as soon as I unpacked will require a plan...of a mouse...and a man...
So instead of being on the wagon allowing others to steer, I am jumping off (well I rolled off a few months ago when I moved) and hopping in the saddle. I am going to drive my family where I want to go and they can either come along for the ride or take their chances with the rattlers. I would say the savage injuns but they ARE the savage injuns which begs the question: Why are they on the wagon to begin with??? Hmmmm....
Anyway, I did talk to the Chief and got him on board, took some negotiations and some honest truths, but hey, its character building. Besides, "Married people make each other feel like shit sometimes. It just feels good." to quote a favorite movie of mine (if you can guess which movie and which character, I'll give you the rest of my junk food in the pantry).
So I am off to the gym this morning and on the way I am going to dispose of the rest of the CRAP in my house. By crap I mean junk food. The debris that scattered like cockroaches as soon as I unpacked will require a plan...of a mouse...and a man...
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Marital Discord
So guess what? No baby. Not this month or the next. I thought I was the mature kind of woman who could accept a difference of opion. I really did. But I find myself furious and rage filled at my husband. ALL reasons for having a child or NOT having a child are selfish but why are some more VALID than others. After I read his blog and hormonally lambasted some idiot who posted annoymously, I re-read the blog and you know what...he totally dismissed my reasons for a child and selfishly focused on his reasons.
This isnt a case of trying to talk him into having a child. I dont even WANT to have another child with him now. Its not like I havent made excuses, dismissed and finally accepted that he isnt the dad I would have chosed for my kids (even before I had one with him). I have, did and have. I accepted that having a child with him would mean being a single parent who could venutre out on occassion and doesnt have to work. I accepted that I am the one who will change the diapers, take the snot filled miserale child to the doctor's, help with homework and most of all: worry. Thats all fine with me. But apparantly its not about division of labor. Its about appearances. Figures.
We move back to Keeping Up with the Trumps and now we have to maintain the facade of the perfect family by LOOKING the part. This is such BS. But the worst part is knowing he feels that way, above all the other bullshit I have put up with :being emotionally unavailable to our kids, impulsively quitting his job, his depression and passive agression, and his roving heart.
Hindsight is 20/20.
So now, I have something new to contemplate: Do I want to stay in an okay marriage so my kids are secure and I dont have to work, knowing I wont have another child....or do I want more..?
This isnt a case of trying to talk him into having a child. I dont even WANT to have another child with him now. Its not like I havent made excuses, dismissed and finally accepted that he isnt the dad I would have chosed for my kids (even before I had one with him). I have, did and have. I accepted that having a child with him would mean being a single parent who could venutre out on occassion and doesnt have to work. I accepted that I am the one who will change the diapers, take the snot filled miserale child to the doctor's, help with homework and most of all: worry. Thats all fine with me. But apparantly its not about division of labor. Its about appearances. Figures.
We move back to Keeping Up with the Trumps and now we have to maintain the facade of the perfect family by LOOKING the part. This is such BS. But the worst part is knowing he feels that way, above all the other bullshit I have put up with :being emotionally unavailable to our kids, impulsively quitting his job, his depression and passive agression, and his roving heart.
Hindsight is 20/20.
So now, I have something new to contemplate: Do I want to stay in an okay marriage so my kids are secure and I dont have to work, knowing I wont have another child....or do I want more..?
Friday, September 12, 2008
The Wind from my Maternal Sails
As I harbour thoughts of another child growing in my body, I wonder why my doting husband lacks my enthusiam and almost mocks my enthusiam for the idea.
Being the mother (of 3 grown girls from my husband's first marriage, birth mother deceased and one of my own Kindergarten age) of four, I know many would think I am nuts for entertaining the idea of another baby. But after raising 3 half grown motherless kiddos and one of my own for over 10 years, I have craved the idea of a second chance at pregnancy and babyhood and ot give my youngest a sibling closer in age than her next oldest sister who just turned 18. A twelve year spread does not a close sisterhood make, though they all adore each other.
But each of the last few months I have looked for the signs of pregnancy only to be disappointed and when over lunch I voiced this excitement/dread of the answer come next week, my husband dropped the a-bomb on my materinal hopes. "Why do you want another child?" he asked me. Because I think I am a good mom and want another go at it. "Dont you think thats a selfish reason?" Um...yes...is there any other kind of reason for bearing a child? "To continue the bloodline?" Oh ok....then I want another kid to continue the bloodline. Yeah, he didnt buy that either. But then this began to really eat at me....why cant I have another child. He goes to work and comes home and sometimes plays with the kids on the weekend. I am the one doing the work. I am the one who has only had one baby to raise. Why not another one?
Was it just me? Would a younger/thinner/prettier wife be ok? Was it his selfish urge to travel as he keeps pointing out:its easier to travel with just one" What the hell is going on in that hesitant male mind of his? Then he lays it on me: "I dont want to be the old dad. I'll be 60 when the kid graduates and the chances of me dying before then are even better." Wait let me go get the rolling pin. I can improve those chances.
So the deal is this: MY selfish wish to have a child because I want on gets trumped by his selfish need to watch his kid graduate without having to wear depends? Oh I get it...no wait...I dont!
Except this is the common thread in our marriage, my young life as well. My needs and wishes arent important if someone else has a wish or need that contradicts it. Oh I get it....NO I DONT!
So I finished vacuuming at looked at him through eyes barely holding back tears of grief and told him that if he doesnt want anymore kids that he needs to go have a vasectomy because I would rather greive the concrete notion that I will not have anymore babies with him than hope each month that I will and live with the fact that he doesnt want the one thing I am wishing for. I'll be damned if I bring a baby into a family when its father doesnt want it. I WAS that baby and I couldnt inflict that kind of rejection onto a child.
So this all begs the question: How do I live with someone whose selfish wishes contradict my own and not be bitter?
Being the mother (of 3 grown girls from my husband's first marriage, birth mother deceased and one of my own Kindergarten age) of four, I know many would think I am nuts for entertaining the idea of another baby. But after raising 3 half grown motherless kiddos and one of my own for over 10 years, I have craved the idea of a second chance at pregnancy and babyhood and ot give my youngest a sibling closer in age than her next oldest sister who just turned 18. A twelve year spread does not a close sisterhood make, though they all adore each other.
But each of the last few months I have looked for the signs of pregnancy only to be disappointed and when over lunch I voiced this excitement/dread of the answer come next week, my husband dropped the a-bomb on my materinal hopes. "Why do you want another child?" he asked me. Because I think I am a good mom and want another go at it. "Dont you think thats a selfish reason?" Um...yes...is there any other kind of reason for bearing a child? "To continue the bloodline?" Oh ok....then I want another kid to continue the bloodline. Yeah, he didnt buy that either. But then this began to really eat at me....why cant I have another child. He goes to work and comes home and sometimes plays with the kids on the weekend. I am the one doing the work. I am the one who has only had one baby to raise. Why not another one?
Was it just me? Would a younger/thinner/prettier wife be ok? Was it his selfish urge to travel as he keeps pointing out:its easier to travel with just one" What the hell is going on in that hesitant male mind of his? Then he lays it on me: "I dont want to be the old dad. I'll be 60 when the kid graduates and the chances of me dying before then are even better." Wait let me go get the rolling pin. I can improve those chances.
So the deal is this: MY selfish wish to have a child because I want on gets trumped by his selfish need to watch his kid graduate without having to wear depends? Oh I get it...no wait...I dont!
Except this is the common thread in our marriage, my young life as well. My needs and wishes arent important if someone else has a wish or need that contradicts it. Oh I get it....NO I DONT!
So I finished vacuuming at looked at him through eyes barely holding back tears of grief and told him that if he doesnt want anymore kids that he needs to go have a vasectomy because I would rather greive the concrete notion that I will not have anymore babies with him than hope each month that I will and live with the fact that he doesnt want the one thing I am wishing for. I'll be damned if I bring a baby into a family when its father doesnt want it. I WAS that baby and I couldnt inflict that kind of rejection onto a child.
So this all begs the question: How do I live with someone whose selfish wishes contradict my own and not be bitter?
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